Affirmations and Divine Intervention

“I am active, I’m attractive, and I’m in command.”

A few years ago, one of my girlfriends and I decided to go on a college student’s rite of passage, otherwise known as being a part of an oh so pink pyramid scheme. One of the best takeaways from this experience was self-affirmations. As a natural cheerleader, I bought into this idea without much fight.

I hesitantly admit that contrary to the “I am in command” portion of my affirmation, I had a break down this morning on my way into work. I thought the tears would cleanse my soul, but they merely blurred my vision. Last week was no easy feat. It was filled with an array of obstacles including but not limited to black mold infesting my apartment, fleas, month end close, grad school summer session starting, and my boyfriend of 3+ years moving out. Needless to say, I survived, barely. I often try to select my thoughts like I would my accessories; making sure they complement my attire and make me feel good, but today was not the case.

I had finally made headway with my heart through a conversation with the man who gave me faith in love again, my best friend, and the same man who just moved out of my apartment one week prior. We needed some space. If I am being honest, and that is what a blog is for, HE was the one that needed space. Going from waking up to him by my side to not communicating made my ribs feel like they were breaking inward similar to a spider’s legs after death. For years, my ears rang daily with sweet sentiments that the voluminous levels of silence felt like sandpaper running through my ear cavities, down my throat, and into my stomach where I was supposed to digest, yet I pretended not to feel a sting of the pain. When I am asked by friends or colleagues if I am okay, I only nod as to avoid the taste of my own lie on my red stained lips. The problem was not in giving him space, I truly do understand that portion, but my issue lies with uncertainty and control. I was immersed into an ocean of anxiety.

While confiding in friends, they directed me to the only true source of healing – The Bible. Apparently, all anxiety is routed in control. *arms thrown up in the air like a DJ Khaled song* I have been in non-stop communication with the Lord and I felt like I was not hurting any less. Among the sounds of my heart shattering and chaotic thoughts scrambling to process in my brain, I heard a quiet, honest voice resonating within my soul. I turned in my daily devotional to today’s date.

“Rest in Me, My child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My spirit to take charge of the details of this day… As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don’t even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child!”

As if I haven't been slapped in the face by divine intervention a midst being called a fool by One who is truly holier than thou, God opted for humor. As I open a new internet browser to email my friend, a pop-up advertisement for Beth Moore’s series called WISING UP appeared on my computer screen. I instantaneously was no longer stuck at the crossroads of my head and my heart. I didn’t feel any stress, only peace and I’ll admit, a little grin came to my face to accompany my giggle. 

“Ask and it will be given to you” – Matthew 7:7

Moral of the story: Rather than affirming in myself on a daily basis, I need to affirm in the King, and I am not referring to George.

“God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.” 

Sally the Camel has No Humps

Last week, a friend and I decided to sign-up for a month of Bikram Yoga. Since we are both Type A personalities, we agreed that Monday is the best day to start a new routine. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Bikram is 26 yoga positions and breathing exercises done in 105 degree heat for 90 minutes – you have to be just a little crazy to WANT to participate or desperate to relieve stress, strengthen your muscles, and lose weight.

There are several rules in Bikram. The first rule is to drink half your body weight in ounces the entire day before class. Ha! I am the worst drinker on the planet – not even just alcohol, water, tea, etc. I always get reminded to drink more or teased that I am a camel.

The second is to never be late. In my mind I was thinking, "but it is better to arrive late than ugly.” (Don't fret - I was on time to class.)

The third is to not leave the room. 

Our instructor gave us LOADS of information and somewhere between thinking about the massive report my boss just assigned me, what I was going to fix for dinner, how I was going to walk Nyla (my posh puppy) if I couldn't move after this class, and wondering how all these people are confident enough to wear almost nothing to class, I was on overload. All I could remember Mischa say was “whatever you do, do not leave the room!” We live in Texas – it gets to 100 all the time in summer, how bad can this be?!

We walk into the studio and see everyone lying on their backs with their feet facing us. Naturally, we pick the spot in the back of the room… or so we thought. The gong goes off and everyone sits up AND TURNS AROUND! (Oh shoot...) During all of this, I am pretending in my mind that I am now in India and a total yogini extraordinaire. About halfway into the routine, I quickly transported back to reality and started to see all colors of the rainbow. I felt somewhere between vomiting and passing out. I continued to do my best through each posture, mostly because somehow I ended up front and center (the back was the front and the front was the back – a mistake I will never make again!) and I refuse to look lame and out of shape. Just when I thought I couldn't take it one more minute, she opened the door. Words fail to describe how amazing that felt.  

This experience was proof that it truly is the simple things in life – being able to drink water after 25 minutes of intense yoga postures or the feeling of the slightest, most heavenly breeze of air hitting your face. Once I left the room, I had not one single thing on my mind, not one worry. I was filled with peace. I had taken time to better myself, to test my limits, and hello, I didn't leave the room! Success!! I also burned 1,123 calories – BONUS!

Your mind is your servant, NOT your master. My body wanted to run out of that room like Allyson Felix across an Olympic finish line, but my mind wouldn't allow my body to quit. I learned that people base their decisions on their level of peace. When I got to my car and saw yet another work email on my phone, I wasn't frustrated at lack of direction or being given another tedious assignment. When I was stuck in traffic, I wasn't fidgeting or tempted to honk my horn and yell at ignorant drivers. I decided that other’s poor driving or ineffective communication was not going to throw me into chaos. I liked this new mindset of mine. I will choose to keep it.

Also, it turns out that I, much like Sally, am no camel. I have a new appreciation for high quality H20.

All I Ever Wanted Was Everything

There was a story once shared with me about how hunters trap monkeys in the jungle. Fresh fruit is placed inside clear jars positioned out in the open. The monkeys must make a tight fist in order to retrieve the fruit, but they get stuck because they can’t remove their hand AND the fruit. Their frustration lies in the determination to have it all. What they don’t realize is that if they were to just let go of the fruit, they could be free. Yet most monkeys can’t let go.

It is human nature to want to “have your (fruit) and eat it too.” I want to save money and I really want a new pair of Steve Madden patent red sandals. I want to eat fistfuls of carbs and I want to lose weight.  I want to have a career I love without sacrificing the paycheck. I want to tend a pretty garden and not worry about chipping off a segment of my manicure.

Just the other day, the tanning bed got the words of Faith Hill’s, “Let Me Let Go” stuck in my head. I admit that same night I broke out into my own encore rendition for an entire audience of shower products. Reminding me that we can’t keep holding on to what weighs us down if we want to fly.

Sometimes I find myself traveling with the majority of the population; holding on to things because I am fearful of never having a second or third chance at it. I no longer want to be a part of those that are scared to sacrifice and therefore really let go and live.

“for many be called, but few chosen.” – Matthew 20:16

 

I’ve always lived by the rule of thumb, life’s too short- buy the shoes! However, I don’t want to be a monkey. I’d rather let go of the closet space and seek financial peace. I’d be more satisfied if I skipped Spring Creek’s hot fresh rolls and ran a little extra.

Lesson learned: Once you decide to be freed from the jar, we must trust The One that came to rescue us. After all, The Lord guarantees an orchard of endless fruit if we would just let go.

“My Life Was In Dire Need of a Ctrl+Alt+Delete” –Anne Taintor

The summer of 6^th grade was a rough one for me. I broke the heart of a boy for the first time, moved to a new neighborhood, started my awkward middle school phase, and got my first bad haircut. You see, ever since I moved from Pennsylvania to Texas I had been working incredibly hard at growing out my bangs. They were in my way, always needed to be trimmed, and more notably outdated. The very week that they were long enough to fit into my pony tail; I cut them.

(Afterthought : what the Eff did I do that for?!?)

After the first cut, you can’t go back. Not to mention, I further decided to offset my throwback bangs by adding blond highlights and layers. Well, those subtle natural looking highlights ended up forming an almost solid layer of yellow around my once brown head, ANDDDD the layers made me look like a mix between a shaggy dog and Farrah Faucet. Can you please envision the horror of my roots as they grew out because mother refused to let me dye my hair back?

WORST PUNISHMENT EVER!!!

{for those who think seeing is believing, here is visual proof… Don't let the smile fool you, my attitude was worst than those sunglasses!}

If I would have known then that were more traumatic situations I would have to live with a lot longer, I probably wouldn’t have cried for nights and nights over my drastic hairdo.

Turns out, as we mature and progress down our paths of life, we are faced with more things that we don’t get a chance to undo; things that time, a bottle of hair dye or a baseball cap can’t fix after they are damaged. Things like misspoken words, life threatening diseases, and Mother Nature’s lovely polka dot pattern on my thighs also known as cellulite. (Though for arguments sake, I am pretty sure that is a gift from the devil and not the one that adorns herself in Prada).

Sometimes you don’t get a second chance, yet security in always doing things right the first time isn't guaranteed either. I don’t believe there has to be a cure in order for you to be healed, nor do I believe that everything happens for a reason. I do, however, believe that there is good in all things. My “new” hair, for instance, was atrocious, but my mother still has the picture in a frame – saved for a good laugh on a bad day. This I am certain.

Fortune-It

As Beth Moore would agree, a great week means the menu has included Mexican food at least 3 times. (Clearly my favorite) My third favorite cuisine is any type of Asian and everything else ties at second place. Therefore, you can imagine my vast, utterly indescribable enthusiasm when I was informed that a bachelorette dinner for my friend Jennifer got moved from Uncle Julios to P.F. Changs.


As everyone’s order was being taken, I simply asked for a cocktail and four fortune cookies. As our waiter, Matt, questioned if that was all I wanted, I answered yes. Thinking the conversation was over, he informed me that normally there was a STRICT policy of only ONE fortune cookie per customer. I simply replied in my sweet, southern voice, “But Matt… I would like to be fortunate enough to choose my own fortune.” And so guess what? He brought me 5! And all five were pretty cliché- Bummer!

Since telling my friends of this event and my new love of fortune cookies, each time they order Chinese food, they are sure to pick up a fortune cookie for me and either deliver it or take a picture and text me my fortune. Last night was one of those times. Allow me to be completely transparent with you, my life has been a whirlwind of mass chaos and lots of tough situations. I even prayed (despite feeling as though I am on mute most of the time) that these decisions would work itself out because the stress and challenge of correctly assessing each one laid before me was simply too much. Then a series of events started to occur, similar to a domino effect, but in the worst of worse ways. I should have learned from Teddy Roosevelt’s shoe dilemma that when we allow the cobblestone to make choices for us, we end up having one shoe with a round toe and the other toe a square. I didn’t though.

So last night, once again wishing a magician would make my troubles disappear right along with his white, fluffy rabbit and thanks to friends ordering take out, I opened a fortune cookie. It read, “nothing is more difficult and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide.” My jaw dropped faster than Usain Bolt can sprint 100 yards. It was most certainly a wake up call and about as pleasant as one. Looks like those cliché fortunes that P.F. Changs was gracious enough to make an exemption for, will come in handy as they read,

1. “you discover treasures where others see nothing unusual”

2. “a true friend in the market is greater than money in the purse”

3. “don’t put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today”

4. “emotions can be sweet and sour, so can your meal” (or drink,in my case; a cherry vodka sour)

What happens next is the scariest part- the recoil, aftermath, and damage to be incurred by those affected. The bright side, being able to decide while I am still fortunate enough to have some grasp of control. Not to mention, last time this same wave of excitement came crashing down on the shores of my reality when receiving tragic restaurant news, I discovered the greatness that is a fortune cookie.

And so the fifth fortune (that I was surprised with) will be my action plan, “time heals all wounds, keep your chin up.”

Better Late than Never

I know what you’re probably thinking… TIMEOUT! {in Zack Morris voice, of course} this is February not January. We are already a month into the New Year and you are just now posting this?! The answer is yes. I chose to take an entire month to reflect on E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G that is happened over the course of the past year. I have established a lot, but what I want to share is lessons learned and goals that will help aid me in forward progression to the person I desire to be.


Ten Lessons Learned in 2010

1. The hottest fires create the toughest steel.
2. If I don’t make a decision, someone else will make it for me.
3. A heart can be broken, but will beat just the same.
4. It is an heiress biggest sin to be boring.
5. I will hurt the people I love the most.
6. Forgiveness is a big word and so is love.
7. No matter how much I change, I will pay the price for the wrong that I’ve done.
8. Disclosed feelings and open communication lead to stronger relationships and more happiness.
9. It is never okay to give up apart of myself to become a part of someone else.
10. The start of faith is at the end of my comfort zone.

Eleven Goals for 2011

1. Use the word love sparingly {thanks, Claire!}
2. Take the time to understand myself.
3. Be diligent in devotionals daily.
4. Save more, spend less.
5. Simplify.
6. Don’t major on the minors.
7. Find a career path that aligns with my values not my lifestyle choices.
8. Treasure relationships, and allow others to break down walls I have built.
9. Take one day at a time. And I really mean just one not 10 or 15.
10. Keep my car cleaned out.
11. Start running again for me. {know it may be cliché, but I just had to include it}



Note: I have discovered that while I post this I am being somewhat of a hypocrite to myself because just the other day I told a friend that I was simply only going to make monthly goals so that I actually attain them. However, I feel it’s just as important to have overall yearly goals too. Creating more opportunities for success… can one really argue that philosophy?! {rhetorical question…don’t answer that!}

Thank God for Good Directions... and Mister Jeeves

North, South, East, and West are the Cardinal Directions known to almost all mankind, I presume. These are the four words I cannot function with successfully. You see, I am what some call “directionally challenged.” And I SOOO wish I wasn’t.


To me, down was South and up was North. Now you can understand why Jeeves (my GPS) was the best gift I have ever received. Jeeves is amazing- I just tell him where I need to go, if I want to avoid toll roads, and if I want the fastest distance or shortest route… then calculating… and we are off! May I also mention the absolute greatest thing about Jeeves is that even when I mess up he redirects me without a hitch.

I have come to appreciate Jeeves over the years, it’s the nicest thing to buckle up and know I have guidance on the road. The road of life, however, is a different story. You see even Jeeves needs for me to indicate where I want to go. Honestly, sometimes that’s the most difficult part of my journey- I don’t know where to go from here.

Normally, I am decisive. And if I cannot decide something even after wise counsel is sought, then I base my decision on something I feel is rational. For example, recently I needed to paint my entire house. Since it would literally cover the E-N-T-I-R-E thing, I wanted to pick the right color. Everyone I had asked said “its up to you”… Well dang! I narrowed it down to three choices… China Doll, Mushroom, and Plateau. Here is how I decided:

1. I don’t like China food, therefore I cannot pick a paint color representative of that country.
2. Mushrooms… kinda mushy, a fungus, and I ALWAYS pick them off my supreme pizza. So surely I cannot pick that for my house.
3. I like the name, representative of where I am in life. Stable, capable of new heights yet if I fall it may have damaging potential.

You guessed it… my house is plateau. And I am fond of it.

Another time my “method” successfully worked was my first year of playing in a college football pool. There was this thing called “spread” – not like how you would smooth butter on toast, but a point spread. I had little time to learn nor very much interest, but wanted to participate in order to impress a gentleman. The whole season I decided that I would choose teams based on cities I preferred to shop in… and it resulted in second place! That is like the Super Bowl runner up.. *Woot!* However, some just mayyyyy consider that luck.

I assure you, there are times that my choices can’t be justified by a sporadic method that I create off a whim and I sure can’t follow my heart (thing has a mind of its own! Not to mention is more stubborn than the managers at The Limited who don’t let me use all my coupons). These are the days I feel like Pocahontas as she sits under Grandmother Willow with her spinning compass. What do you do when your needle won’t stop and decide on which direction you’re headed? What if the magnetism in it is messed up and it takes you on a TOTAL wrong path?

The answer is simple… throw it out cause you shouldn’t clutter your house with broken things.

I learned over the last 8 weeks in my Bible Study is that my life is not left to chance and sure not up to some device that requires satellites to be acquired. In fact, I am the daughter of the King of Kings, and He wouldn’t let me or any of his children remain lost. He is greater than any GPS; He is in charge of where my life is currently and what steps I need to take to get where He needs me to go. He is also in charge of my directionally challenged self, and when I miss a turn He doesn’t always require me to recalculate in order to get me back on track. Sometimes, He just needed me to take the next exit to properly fulfill His divine plan.

As thankful as I am for Jeeves, “luck,” and guided counsel… I am most thankful for a God who will take the wheel when I can no longer maintain control.