“I am active, I’m attractive, and I’m in command.”
A few years ago, one of my girlfriends and I decided to go
on a college student’s rite of passage, otherwise known as being a part of an
oh so pink pyramid scheme. One of the best takeaways from this experience was self-affirmations.
As a natural cheerleader, I bought into this idea without much fight.
I hesitantly admit that contrary to the “I am in command”
portion of my affirmation, I had a break down this morning on my way into work.
I thought the tears would cleanse my soul, but they merely blurred my vision.
Last week was no easy feat. It was filled with an array of obstacles including
but not limited to black mold infesting my apartment, fleas, month end close,
grad school summer session starting, and my boyfriend of 3+ years moving out. Needless to say, I survived, barely. I often try to select my thoughts like I
would my accessories; making sure they complement my attire and make me feel good,
but today was not the case.
I had finally made headway with my heart through a
conversation with the man who gave me faith in love again, my best friend, and
the same man who just moved out of my apartment one week prior. We needed some
space. If I am being honest, and that is what a blog is for, HE was the one
that needed space. Going from waking up to him by my side to not communicating
made my ribs feel like they were breaking inward similar to a spider’s legs
after death. For years, my ears rang daily with sweet sentiments that the voluminous levels of silence felt
like sandpaper running through my ear cavities, down my throat, and into my
stomach where I was supposed to digest, yet I pretended not to feel a
sting of the pain. When I am asked by friends or colleagues if I am okay, I
only nod as to avoid the taste of my own lie on my red stained lips. The
problem was not in giving him space, I truly do understand that portion, but my
issue lies with uncertainty and control. I was immersed into an ocean of
anxiety.
While confiding in friends, they directed me to the only true source of healing – The Bible. Apparently, all anxiety is routed in control. *arms thrown up in the air like a DJ Khaled song* I
have been in non-stop communication with the Lord and I felt like I was not
hurting any less. Among the sounds of my heart shattering and chaotic thoughts
scrambling to process in my brain, I heard a quiet, honest voice resonating
within my soul. I turned in my daily devotional to today’s date.
“Rest in Me, My child.
Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen.
Pray continually, asking My spirit to take charge of the details of this day…
As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don’t even feel the strong grip of
My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child!”
As if I haven't been slapped in the face by divine
intervention a midst being called a fool by One who is truly holier than thou, God opted for humor. As I open a new internet browser to email my friend, a pop-up advertisement for Beth Moore’s series
called WISING UP appeared on my computer screen. I instantaneously was no
longer stuck at the crossroads of my head and my heart. I didn’t feel any
stress, only peace and I’ll admit, a little grin came to my face to accompany my giggle.
“Ask and it
will be given to you” – Matthew 7:7
Moral of the story: Rather than affirming in myself on a
daily basis, I need to affirm in the King, and I am not referring to George.
“God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.”
